How to Deal with Emotional Flooding: Learning to Self-Soothe

Learning to self-soothe is one of the most important skills to develop for life, let alone for healthy relationships.

Self-soothing, which is also referred to as emotional regulation, is needed when a part of our brain sounds an alarm signalling a threat in our environment. This is really helpful when we need to quickly get away from a dangerous animal or out of a burning house, but not so helpful when we are trying to deal with an important issue with our partner.

When we become emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally flooded, our brain function changes, and all of a sudden the conversation we are having with our partner can feel like an attack.

A lot of things happen to us physiologically, such as an increase in heart rate, a decrease in oxygen supply to the brain and blood rushing to our extremities. We all experience this in different ways.

Think about what physiological feelings come over you when your partner says something that triggers you and you feel a wave of emotion coming over you.

I feel a tightness in my chest and fogginess in my head. Others feel a heat around their head, numbness, tight muscles, clenching of fists, sensations in their belly… We all have our own set of responses.

It is important to recognise these responses so that you can then choose to stop the conversation and take the time to self-soothe. You need to let your partner know what you are doing rather than simply walking away from the conversation, as much as your body may be urging you to get away as quickly as possible.

What happens when we become emotionally flooded?

Once we are in this state, it is very difficult to have a productive conversation. We need to find a way to self-soothe so that we can re-engage in the conversation.

We all need to find our own strategies to self-soothe, as it is not a one-size-fits-all approach. The more we practise our strategies, the easier it will be for us to access them, especially when our brain is not functioning at its best.

We also need to practise them outside of the times that we are overwhelmed so they become familiar things to do and we can use them without too much thought.

Taking a break during a heated conversation

The idea of leaving a heated conversation midway is quite challenging for a lot of people. But it is something that couples need to agree on doing to improve communication and avoid escalating arguments.

When we do leave the conversation, we need to take a visual break from each other. You can be under the same roof but be in different rooms. Taking at least 20 minutes to self-soothe can give your nervous system time to settle.

This is when the strategy you have chosen comes into action.

The important thing is to communicate this with your partner. Rather than simply walking away, let them know that you need some time to calm down and that you intend to return to the conversation.

Strategies to improve self-soothing

Breathing

Slow, deep breathing sends a message to our brain that there is no threat in our environment and helps the body go back towards normal function after it has gone into an emotionally flooded state.

It is good to practise deep breathing that goes down into your belly, with the space below your belly button rising and falling.

Practise this daily while you are on your commute to work, at your desk or in the shower, so that when you need to do it, you know how it feels in your body.

Get out in nature

Use the sensation of grass under your bare feet or the feeling of the sun's rays on your skin to help calm yourself down.

Getting out in nature regularly is really important for good mental health generally, but taking moments while you are out to be mindful and notice what it is like to connect with nature can help you use this strategy when you are at home and need to self-soothe.

Exercise

Going out for a run, doing some stretches or even a set of star jumps can help with the tension building up in your body.

Follow this with some breathing and you may feel your body beginning to settle, helping you feel more ready to re-engage with your partner.

Music

Listening to music you enjoy is a great way to self-soothe.

Make sure you are really listening to it and not playing the argument or the thing that has upset you over in your head. Listen to the words or follow the melody closely in your mind so that it gives you the break you need from the conflict.

Mindfulness

Breathing can be a form of mindfulness, but mindfulness includes any strategy that brings you completely into the current moment.

Practising this daily allows you to have this strategy ready when you need to self-soothe.

There are many apps that have guided mindful meditations. Our favourites are Smiling Mind and Headspace. Some of the practice involves sitting down with your eyes closed and focusing on your breathing, but really you can do anything mindfully.

One of my favourites is a mindful walk, where you really focus on how your body is moving while you are walking and notice all your senses, such as what you can smell and the little details that you usually miss as you walk down the same street you regularly do.

Distraction

Watching some TV or reading could be a good way to distract yourself and allow your body and mind to calm down.

This one needs to be clearly communicated with your partner because it could then trigger them if you turn the TV on mid-argument.

The best way to approach this is by explaining that you need to calm down to be able to communicate better and giving a set time that you will re-engage with them.

You don’t want it to be too long, but usually we need at least 20 minutes to begin to settle.

Counselling

Talking about things that create high levels of emotionality can help us by getting the two sides of our brain to communicate. We use the left side of our brain to put words to the things we are experiencing from the right, emotional side of the brain. This can help us make better sense of what we are experiencing.

Talking to close friends and family can also be helpful. Journalling is another way to find words to explain our feelings and process them.

Self-soothing can improve relationship communication

These are great strategies to use to improve communication in your relationship, but they can be used for any situation that leaves us feeling overwhelmed.

It could be conflict with family members or friends, stress at work, receiving bad news or being in any stressful situation.

Learning how to recognise emotional flooding and self-soothe gives us the opportunity to pause, regulate our emotions and return to the conversation when we are better able to listen, communicate and connect.

In a relationship, taking a break isn't about avoiding the difficult conversation. It is about creating the conditions to have that conversation more effectively.

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