Tell Me About… You: Questions To Strengthen Your Relationship

Having recently read an article which referred to the poet Maya Angelou’s suggestion that there are four questions we are all unconsciously asking each other all the time, I was reminded of the importance of questions.

Questions, whether unconscious or stated, are a simple but effective way to know your partner’s world and deepen your connection. They can create a better platform for managing future conflict and stressful events, while helping couples maintain emotional intimacy and connection.

These are the four questions Maya Angelou suggests that we each ask, almost always silently and unconsciously:

• Do you see me?

• Do you care that I am here?

• Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?

• Can I tell that I am special to you by the way you look at me?

Connection and relationships

Connections help us thrive.

Anyone in our world, whether it is our partner, friend, family member or colleague, will feel appreciated when you treat them in a way that answers each of these questions consistently. This is because you are taking time to see them for who they really are and to be truly present.

Connection with others creates powerful and important moments, even if only fleeting. Connection isn’t about the amount of time or how often we see someone; it’s about being truly present, truly in the moment with that individual.

How do questions benefit relationships?

Social psychologist Arthur Aron’s research has often been referred to as the 36 questions that can lead to emotional intimacy. The premise behind this is that closeness is generated by the mutual vulnerability experienced by both people answering the questions.

Questions help us to know our partner. They are a simple but effective way to learn about one another, to be a teacher of self to your partner and, in turn, to be a good student and learn about your partner. Through this process of teaching and learning, we can develop into better versions of ourselves and build greater relationship connection.

John Gottman, the notable researcher, author and expert on relationships, did extensive research into what makes a successful couple relationship.

Amongst many things, he says questions, or what he calls bids for connection, help us to make stronger connections. He describes a bid for connection as an attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or another form of positive connection.

Asking open-ended questions of each other on a regular basis can deepen a couple’s intimacy. So make time to check in regularly, listen and be positive.

Open-ended questions require us to be engaged in what we are saying, which in turn can lead to deeper and more meaningful conversations.

Open-ended questions to ask your partner

Open-ended questions usually begin with words such as:

• How did you…

• In what ways…

• Tell me about…

• What’s it like…

For example, try to make time for a regular relationship check-in. You could ask:

What’s been going well for you this week?

What’s gone well for us?

Do you feel there is anything that needs our focus?

These simple questions can create opportunities to slow down, listen and understand what is happening in your partner’s world.

Get to know your partner’s inner world

Gottman notes that couples who have a strong friendship stay connected and know each other well.

Making time to know your partner’s life and inner psychological world can create greater relationship stability. Gottman describes this as having a mental map of the relationship and its history, knowing each other’s past and present preferences, experiences, concerns, hopes, dreams and goals.

Gottman calls these Love Maps.

Make time to know what makes your partner tick. Move away from functionality and into exploration of their world.

Start with a few questions.

You might be surprised by what you learn.